3/30/1992
11:15pm
Oh God! I hurt so much tonight. I just heard for about the third time the song " Jesus, a Friend of a wounded heart." Sometimes I feel so all alone. I think of Alan Donne and it feels so empty in my heart. I feel like a battle is going on tonight... Please help me to overcome this hopeless feeling. Help me to live again and enjoy things again. I just sob as if my heart is tearing apart. I try to pack to move and everywhere I look or whatever I do I see reminders of Alan Donne and I have to tell myself it is real--- He is gone and he won't come back again--- I must go on and live again. But it is so hard to do. I think of his medication up in the cupboard and I have to fight the thought to take the morphine so I won't hurt anymore. I must get it out of here. Help me Lord Jesus to make it through the night... these thoughts TERRIFY me. I must not do it as it will only cause more pain and won't settle anything. think of the happy times and look to the future. For there will a TOMORROW again... I need You Holy Spirit to comfort me and calm my weary heart. I am so very tired of feeling tired and empty... Lead me to the ROCK that is higher than I... Fill me to overflowing with joy and gladness again... Fill my cup so there will be peace and contentment again... I do Love You very much and always want to be Dependent on You. Show me what to do and where to go... Take this heavy depressing feeling away from me. I do need You Jesus tonight and always... May I lay all these burdens at your feet dear Lord. Help me in this grieving time and don't let me do anything to destroy our relationship... I trust You Holy Spirit, I just don't trust myself right now... I'm afraid I may do something desperate... DRAW me closer to You.
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